Fear

It seems that everyone is afraid of something. Some fears are silly, like my irrational fear of mayonnaise. Some fears are realistic and most people seem to be afraid of them, such as heights or the dark.  But the most terrible types of fear seem to be the ones that you hold deep down in your heart. The ones that change the way you live and even make you want to cry when you think about them. These types of fears are the ones that we spend most of our time thinking about. I have come to realize that I personally have one of those fears.

I use to tell people that my greatest fear is the dark or heights. Other than that I. Am not really afraid of anything. Over the past few months I've realized that these are not my greatest fears. My greatest fear is living the rest of my life alone. Now, most people could say I am not alone because I have my teens and the people at the church. They would be right to a point. For parts of my day I am not alone and get to spend my day with wonderful people that I am so thankful for. Those parts of the day are not the times I think of being lonely. It is everyday knowing that I will come home to an empty house and spend the rest of my night alone. Now, before I continue this is not to make anyone feel sorry for me. This is a self reflection of my daily life that I feel most people should reflect on.

But to continue...

Normally when I come home I sit here looking at my empty house and think "God, where do I go from here?"  I know that God wants me here in Alaska but I can't help but think is this how he wants me to spend the rest of my life. Does God want me to be alone forever? Anyone that knows me knows that I have full faith God will provide me with the perfect woman to start a family with. But again those of you who know me know that I am the king of screwing it up with these wonderful women in my life. So I sit here and wonder have I screwed it up already or does he want me to continue to wait. At night before I go to bed I look up at the ceiling scared that I will be alone forever. Living in a state of fear.

To fear there comes a way to overcome it and there does come a light to this darkness that I seem to live with. God has provided me with a beautiful gift called ADD. Yes I said a gift. I call it a gift because it allows my mind to wander like no one elses. It gives me time to think about people in my life that will always be there. May it be the most wonderful women in the world (my mom and sister), my brothers, my best friends who always seem to call me at the right time and even those who call me at the wrong ones. God has put these people in my life for reason. Even though this fear sometimes makes me tremble at the thought of it. I am thankful for it because it gives me something to look forward to and has provided me with a new outlook on the ones I love.

Tonight as I finish one of my most personal blogs I pray for those who read it and everyone that struggles with fear on a daily basis. That God protects them and empowers them to find the light in the darkness.