I sit in silence. Not knowing what to say or do. Looking up into the face of Jesus. Wondering what God's next step for me was. Wondering why I hear nothing. Desiring for God to shout His plan to me, so I no longer sit in disarray. This is how my hour of prayer would go. I constantly would sit questioning God, telling Him what I wanted, and asking Him to just tell me His plan. This though was not how my hour went the other day.
Recently, I have been so busy I have failed to give God that time that I owed him. I failed to take 30 minutes from my day to just sit and talk with him. I had plenty of time to take naps. I had plenty of time to watch my favorite TV shows and even time to watch them repeated over and over again. I now blame my pride for those moments thinking I was faithful enough and could do my work without prayer. This prideful mentality drastically changed a few weeks ago. Every month one of my parishes holds 24 hour adoration on the first and third Friday of the month. Every month I would find an excuse until this past one. For some reason I had this strong pull to sign up for an hour.
As my hour neared I knew I could not sit in silence for an hour in meditative prayer. As I rushed out of the door I grabbed one of my prayer books that seem to have collected dust from the lack of use over the past couple months. As I got to adoration I knelt down again not knowing what to say or do. After my short prayer I sat back in my chair and began to stare into the face of Jesus. Again I questioned Him looking for some kind of answer for what was next, but as I did this I felt another pull. As I looked down next to me I realized the book that I had grabbed was The Secret of the Rosary by St Louis de Monfort. As I began to read I was entrenched in the pages seeing the beauty the Rosary had done in so many peoples lives. The outpouring love of God seemed to jump off the pages to me as I read about the Beauty the Rosary had done in so many Saints lives. I felt I had found the clarity I desired for the past few months. As I closed the book I knelt down one more time and began to pray my Rosary I wore around my wrist. So many times God had pointed towards the Rosary, but I chose to ignore him.
God did not lead me to the Rosary by accident, but to lead me closer to Him. My greatest struggle in life would have to be purity of mind and body. I felt I could battle this on my own, but have to come to realize I have been looking for help in the wrong places. God chose our Holy Mother Mary for a reason to give birth to Jesus Christ. Her purity from sin is the purity that each of us should desire in ourselves. Through the Rosary I not only find Jesus, but I feel the purity being poured out. There is a need for prayer in our lives and God has provided us ways to pray even when we know not what to do. Answers are not always found by those seek, but are given to those who wait.
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