Fear

It seems that everyone is afraid of something. Some fears are silly, like my irrational fear of mayonnaise. Some fears are realistic and most people seem to be afraid of them, such as heights or the dark.  But the most terrible types of fear seem to be the ones that you hold deep down in your heart. The ones that change the way you live and even make you want to cry when you think about them. These types of fears are the ones that we spend most of our time thinking about. I have come to realize that I personally have one of those fears.

I use to tell people that my greatest fear is the dark or heights. Other than that I. Am not really afraid of anything. Over the past few months I've realized that these are not my greatest fears. My greatest fear is living the rest of my life alone. Now, most people could say I am not alone because I have my teens and the people at the church. They would be right to a point. For parts of my day I am not alone and get to spend my day with wonderful people that I am so thankful for. Those parts of the day are not the times I think of being lonely. It is everyday knowing that I will come home to an empty house and spend the rest of my night alone. Now, before I continue this is not to make anyone feel sorry for me. This is a self reflection of my daily life that I feel most people should reflect on.

But to continue...

Normally when I come home I sit here looking at my empty house and think "God, where do I go from here?"  I know that God wants me here in Alaska but I can't help but think is this how he wants me to spend the rest of my life. Does God want me to be alone forever? Anyone that knows me knows that I have full faith God will provide me with the perfect woman to start a family with. But again those of you who know me know that I am the king of screwing it up with these wonderful women in my life. So I sit here and wonder have I screwed it up already or does he want me to continue to wait. At night before I go to bed I look up at the ceiling scared that I will be alone forever. Living in a state of fear.

To fear there comes a way to overcome it and there does come a light to this darkness that I seem to live with. God has provided me with a beautiful gift called ADD. Yes I said a gift. I call it a gift because it allows my mind to wander like no one elses. It gives me time to think about people in my life that will always be there. May it be the most wonderful women in the world (my mom and sister), my brothers, my best friends who always seem to call me at the right time and even those who call me at the wrong ones. God has put these people in my life for reason. Even though this fear sometimes makes me tremble at the thought of it. I am thankful for it because it gives me something to look forward to and has provided me with a new outlook on the ones I love.

Tonight as I finish one of my most personal blogs I pray for those who read it and everyone that struggles with fear on a daily basis. That God protects them and empowers them to find the light in the darkness.

No Longer the Follower

Have you ever wondered how Peter felt when he realized that it was his turn to step up and lead?  Well I never had until recently. I mean just think about it. I wonder if Peter ever thought that he would be the rock of the Catholic Church. It must have been frightening to him to think its his turn to step up and lead. This man had spent the past years of his life following the Son of God. Now, the leadership has been bestowed on him to go and share the works of Jesus.  That is incredibly intimidating.  I kind of can relate to this feeling and it has hit me harder than usual recently.

My whole life I have based my faith on others leading me towards God. When I was in high school I was provided with a great youth group and wonderful people who believed in God. Their presence constantly pushed me towards God. I worked with a group called the Evangelization Team and it called for you to become closer to God. When I got into college I dated a wonderful Catholic woman who constantly challenged me in my faith. Its sad to say now but I relied on her to further my faith.  After I broke up with her I was faced with the task of continuing my faith on my own.  Anyone that knew me my senior year of college knows that this was a huge struggle for me. For the first time in my life I had no idea where to go with my faith. It didn't hit me until the spring of my senior year I was put in charge of running a confirmation retreat. I had worked this retreat for the past three years and now it was my turn to run the show.  For the first time I had to lead others to God without relying on anyone else to help my spiritual growth. I remember that retreat so vividly because I began to see the youths faith grow and I remember thinking I could see myself doing this stuff forever. But how would I take that next step.

 So to take that next step, after graduating I took a job as a youth minister in Juneau, Alaska. (Yes people live in Alaska)

I will state right now that I am so thankful for the opportunity that God has provided me. Even though I am thankful I am terrified at the same time. God has given me the opportunity to lead others to him.  He has bestowed this great honor on me. Am I truly worthy to do this?  Am I teaching the teens the things that God wants me to teach them?  These are questions that consistently run through my head every time I am preparing for youth group.  Some days I feel that I constantly live in a state of fear because I don't know where to go next. Sometimes I talk to my youth group and just pray that God will provide me with the words that he wants them to hear. The one thing that I have to continually tell myself is that God doesn't make mistakes. I know that line can be kind of cheesy, but it is so true. God called me to come up here and make a difference. The hardest part is I have always relied on others to further my faith, but the only one I should be relying on is God. Leading isn't easy and others are now looking to you for that guidance. The wonderful thing is that we truly are not alone and God is always present.  Recently, I have been wearing a bracelet that says "Remember, we are in the presence of God". Yes, it is a simple quote  but by wearing this bracelet I am constantly reminded that I am no longer in control, He is.

A weekend in Cali

Disney is one of those places that no matter how old you are, you are bound to have a great time.  Last Thursday I was lucky enough to go to Disneyland for a day by myself. Now, Disneyland is so much fun and was one of those experiences that I will always remember, but it is a little strange to go to a place like Disney all by yourself.  Though Disney is somewhere that everyone can have fun it is centered around. So as I sit in lines and look around it makes me think two things. 1. I miss my family so much and I should be thankful that God blessed me with such a wonderful family. 2.  I realized how much I want a family of my own. Seeing so many loved ones share such a beautiful experience showed me that a family is one of those things I desire in my heart. Just people I can create memories with, people to love, and most importantly people I can share the rest of my life with.

One of the most interesting experiences I had while in Disney was the time I was given to pray. A few months ago someone I care about dearly sent me a rosary bracelet.  I would say for the first time since getting the bracelet it really got used. Yes I was surrounded by hundreds of people almost the whole entire time while in Disney, but knowing nobody I sat there in silence as I would sit in line to ride different rides. I figured the best way to use this time would be to just have a conversation with God. So I would I take the bracelet and pray a Rosary. Now, I never thought that the first time I got a day of prayer would be at Disney, but it was.  Disney's motto is "where dreams come true." I find this motto true to my experience there last Thursday. I was given the chance to pray and got to see the beauty of a family and that is the most I could ask for.

Now, the weekend didn't stop at the amazing experience I had in Disney. The weekend continued to one of the best conferences I could have gone to. I was given the opportunity to participate in the religious education congress in Anaheim, California.  At this conference I got to go different workshops all about Catholic youth ministry. Each workshop provided its own spin on youth ministry from a variety of great speakers.  One of my favorite speakers and workshops was "lion in the rock" by Mike Patin. The workshop was on the basis of finding the best in some of the most frustrating teens. It was based off the story of a boy walking home from school everyday seeing this man chisel at this big boulder. The child stopped walking by that rock because it was summer. The next year he came back and saw this beautiful lion sculpture. Sometimes as people we don't see the best in every situation. This is showing that there can be beauty in some of the strangest places.

The workshops were all amazing and I was lucky enough to get multiple motivational speakers, but Saturday night was the most moving experience.  Saturday night started with the young adult mass at the conference. The mass was beautifully done with great music by the Jacob and Mathew band, the priest was perfect for the mass and I am normally not a fan of liturgical dance but it was so beautifully done that it was very moving. After this beautiful mass with hundreds if not thousands of young adults I was able to go to dinner with a priest from Southeast Alaska, Father Thomas Weise. Father Thomas and I had a beautiful conversation about vocations and ministry in Alaska. This conversation was the first time I have been able to have a serious one on one discussion about vocations with a priest and I would not say that it was what I was expecting. We had a talk about marriage and I explained to him that I feel like I'm the male version from the movie "27 Dresses" because I will have been a groomsmen in 4 weddings after this summer and have no plans of getting married anytime soon which is frustrating. Father Thomas replied with "well if you were a priest think of how many weddings you. Would get to preside over."

Now any one that knows me knows that I have been set on marriage and starting a family. The idea of becoming priest really hadn't crossed my mind since high school. Recently, the thought of being a priest has been hitting me harder and harder. I blame it partially on working for the church, but part of me wants to be part of something greater.  What can be greater than the Catholic church? Nothing. But I am 23 years old and to think about the rest of life is kind of scary. All I know right now is that I am in the place that I am suppose to be.  I can say that I completely feel called to Youth Ministry in this part of my life right now.

But back to weekend...

After this amazing dinner with a great priest from Southeast Alaska I met some of the most amazing people.  I decided to go to the young adult dance not knowing a single person because anyone knows me knows that I love to dance. Not knowing anyone seemed to not be a problem. I well tell you right now that being catholic is one of the most beautiful things in the world because we share that bond with each other. Walking into the dance I met two wonderful people and soon three more joined our group.  We hung out the entire night and probably one of the most fun nights I have had in a long time. We shared our faith so it felt like I knew these people forever. The people I met are those types of people that you know you will stay in touch with.

Now, the weekend was exactly what I needed. Everyday up here I wonder if I am really spreading God's word, but this weekend clarified that I was.  It gave me a motivation that I had been lacking for a while. God does not make mistakes and especially in the ways he wants you to live. God provided me with a beautiful opportunity up here and it is my time to do exactly as he wants me to do.